My Addiction to Narcissistic Men: My Actions & Holding Myself Accountable?
Updated: Oct 30, 2018
Disclaimer: This is not “male-bashing” blog. This blog was created to provoke thought and healing. Regardless of age, race, gender and sexual preferences my goal is to encourage the masses to look within. In that very sacred place we can find answers. We can become more acquainted with healing and love.
Sometimes, people see a smile, but they do not know the story that dwells behind it. If you are like me and many people around the world, you have been taught to wear a mask that shields the pain, the emptiness and the confusion. Living in a different country for two years definitely revealed to me that many Americans have been conditioned to value tangible and temporary. Success becomes more important than connection. Image becomes the foundation for perceived happiness. These beliefs not only affected me, but both my mother and father during their journeys on this earth. Compassion.
Growing up I viewed my father as being the most amazing person. I was definitely a daddy’s girl. I looked forward to spending time with him during the weekends. Then suddenly, things changed. I didn’t talk to or see my father as much. Something was different. As I matured, I discovered that both my mother and father were battling with drug addictions. For a while my relationship with both of them was very distant.
I was a young girl seeking to feel a void. I started to date and eventually I became sexually active. I went into this new world blindsided. I had no idea what to expect. I did not understand the concept of self-respect. I valued the attention that I was receiving and that is what mattered the most to me. Eventually, the relationships would end. Either the men would disappear or they would begin to reveal to me a very dark side. I would return to isolation. I did not understand the concept of healing. Soon, I would attract the same qualities again.
After several failed relationships, guidance from wise people and some self-reflection I decided to examine what is was about me that continued to attract the same qualities in a different body. I delved into my childhood and I discovered that many of the men that I dated reflected the trauma that I had experienced as a child. Memories started to re-surface and I remembered being a witness to one of the domestic disputes that occurred between my mother and father. I remembered the feeling abandoned. I remembered feeling unwanted. Did these unresolved matters show up in my relationships……..absolutely.
My attraction to narcissistic men had absolutely nothing to do with them. They were only serving their purpose. My addiction to narcissistic men was teaching me that the little girl, my inner child needed some attention. She needed to know that she was worthy of all of the love that she gave. She needed to know that she could choose to love herself deeply at any given moment.
I am so very grateful for every man that I have attracted into my experience. Their souls united with my soul to assist me and to hopefully assist them with the evolutionary process. Now, could they re=enter into my experience…….hell to the no no! That is a door that no longer needs to be opened in my life. Through trial and error, heartbreak and healing, repetition and awareness I feel that I have finally learned the lesson.
More than anything, I realize how important it is for us to take personal responsibility for what it is that we create. In order to do this sometimes we need to dig deep. We must return to our roots to figure out where it all began. More awareness strips away the power from what does not serve us. Generationally, I understand that my parents did only what they knew. They could not teach or model a healthy relationship for me. They did not know how to. Now, I am responsible for breaking the curse. For shifting the energy. For re-aligning with the vibration of love. I am ready……….
Jasmine Dominique is an Author, Blogger & Holistic Health Specialist.